4 Ways Oysters Can Help You Overcome Imposter Syndrome
I was standing in the Charles Hotel ballroom in Harvard Square preparing my next move. My 3 piece suit clung to my body and I could feel the sweat beads dripping from my forehead to my eyelids. “PLEASE stop there,” I thought.
Why was I so nervous? It was the biggest networking event of my college career. All the major firms were in town and it was our job as students to pitch them on why they might even consider giving us a first-round interview.
Suddenly, I acquired my target. He was a recruiter looking out from the bar towards the crowd. “Okay” I thought, “now is my big chance.” I hustled over to make my introduction and he immediately offered, “Why don’t we have an oyster?” Ah, I forgot to mention this was an oyster bar, not an actual bar.
At that point in my life, I’d never seen an oyster. The waiter handed us the curious looking shells, and from there I had ZERO idea how to proceed. My plan was to slyly watch the recruiter eat the oyster and follow his lead.
As I waited to mirror his cues, he was suddenly called over by his boss to meet with another eager student. I was a deer In headlights. Not wanting to raise any red flags to the waiter who was now watching me intently, I decided to act. “He who hesitates is lost,” I thought.
I bit HARD into the shell and immediately knew that I had chosen the wrong path. The rocky exterior clashed directly with my teeth, and my teeth lost this battle. Blood poured onto my suit as onlookers gasped.
Needless to say, I wasn’t first in any company’s hiring list after this debacle. As I was ushered out of the event, I naturally felt like crying. While I held the gauze to my mouth as I was ushered out of the event, a familiar thought ran through my head: “I always knew I was a failure, and now so does everyone else.”
At this point, I expect you’re having one of two reactions:
You’re laughing hysterically at my stupidity, but deep down you realize that you too have made similar blunders
You, like the onlookers in the Charles and my parents when I called them afterwards, are horrified and feel no sympathy for me.
You also might be thinking to yourself. “How does a miserable oyster experience relate to imposter syndrome? Is this just another clickbait title to drum up views?” And so far, I’ve proven you right. But bear with me for just a few more moments.
For longer than I’d like to admit, I carried deep feelings of shame from this event. Rather than seeing my ridiculous mistake as just that, I saw it as validation that I wasn’t good enough as a person. Validation of my status as a failure and, even worse, a fraud.
The Harvard Business Review defines imposter syndrome as a “collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evident success. Imposters suffer from chronic self-doubt...that override any feelings of success or external proof of their competence.”
Basically, we “imposters” never feel good enough.
Some imposter syndrome syndromes include:
Putting a huge amount of pressure on everything we do to be perfect because we don’t want to be “found out” as actual failures.
Minimizing our successes as “lucky accidents” and magnifying our failures as indications of character flaws.
“But Shane”, you say, “this is a bizarre example of a failure. I mean, not knowing how to eat oysters is embarrassing, yes, but it’s not a failure that most experience.”
Fair point. I could have easily chosen any number of more relatable failures from my life: stumbling to deliver a speech in front of 100+ people, getting a bad grade on a test, airballing free throws in the semifinal game, etc.
But the truth is that humor often makes it easier to discuss more serious issues. I hope you can have a good laugh at my oyster “failure” and also see the deeper meaning.
Let me share 4 things I’ve learned in my ongoing quest to overcome imposter syndrome.
I’m not alone (and neither are you)
Research suggests that 70% of people struggle with imposter syndrome and feel inferior at one time or another. 70 percent. The vast majority of people we encounter on a daily basis are probably struggling with the same inner feelings of not being good enough, smart enough, talented enough, etc.
To me, this indicates that we’re a lot more alike than different. It also makes it easier to start recognizing, naming, and overcoming imposter syndrome. I’m not abnormal for having these thoughts and feelings, and neither is anyone else.
I remember having a conversation with a couple of my friends at Harvard one night. Keep in mind all of these people had achieved AMAZING things in one way or another already--from starting their own companies to winning prestigious fellowships/awards to being Olympic athletes.
But, when we sat down to talk and I shared some of my thoughts and feelings, I was shocked by their responses. It turns out that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM struggled with these same feelings.
We’re not alone.
Perfection is impossible, and boring
“Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence.” This quote’s from Vince Lombardi, one of the winningest coaches in NFL history and the namesake for the Super Bowl trophy.
A lot of us want to be perfect, or we feel like we have to be when comparing ourselves to the filtered images and propped-up lives we see on social media. But that’s not real life.
Why do we love superheroes so much? It’s not because they’re perfect; they’re not. Superman is crippled by Kroptonite, Thor is lost without his hammer, and Iron Man is useless with any damage to his suit.
We love these superheroes not in spite of these flaws, but because of them. They’re relatable. Without flaws or weaknesses, there is no story.
Spoiler alert: none of us will ever reach perfection or even really come close in ANY aspects of our lives, but pursuing excellence is what counts. Continuously growing and learning from mistakes is what makes our stories interesting.
Limits of Control
I notice that a lot of the imposter syndrome symptoms crop up when I’m overly concerned with what others think. In a way, my thinking often goes like this: achieving external validation/successes is the only way that people will like or value me.
Because of this, I’m imprisoned by other people’s opinions. I now realize there are strict limits to what we can control in our lives. It turns out that I have ZERO control over other people’s opinions of me because their opinions are all a reflection of what’s going on in their own psyches.
What happens in the external world and our own individual worlds is never going to be perfect. We can’t control that. What we can control, though, is our attitude and response to what happens. That’s pretty much it.
At first, this seems terrifying. But, it’s actually kind of freeing when you stop and think about it. If we can’t control what other people think of us, why not let go of trying? It gives us a lot more energy to focus on our own effort while letting go of the things that hold us back.
What we see is what we get
There’s an interesting quirk to the human psyche alled the confirmation bias. This is our tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of our existing beliefs.
For example, if I see myself as an “imposter” in business--as someone who is tricking others into thinking I’m a smart and capable decision maker, then I’ll look for all the ways that this is true. I won’t think I’m actually smart so I’ll look for evidence of my lack of intelligence. When I make a wrong decision or have an opinion challenged, I’ll say: “See, Shane, you were right. Shut up before others really realize you’re not smart.” And anytime I get a decision right while I’m still in imposter mode, I’ll say: “Okay, Shane, you tricked them again into thinking you knew something. Now don’t talk for a while and mess it up.”
The working solution that I’ve found is to constantly practice a different kind of self-dialogue. I’ll tell myself that my opinions are valuable even if they’re wrong, and that failure is a learning opportunity.
Reframing thoughts like this allows me to look at situations with more perspective. I’m also treating myself like I would treat a friend--with gentle kindness.
Nothing on the outside has changed, but a slight tweak of our inner dialogue can cause us to slowly chip away at our imposter syndrome.
What we see and what we say to ourselves is often what we get.
Conclusion
Thanks a lot for reading this piece. I’d love to hear about your own experience(s) with imposter syndrome, too. If you’re comfortable, drop a message in the comments section below—or feel free to share which lesson resonates with you most.
Overcoming imposter syndrome seems to be a lifelong journey.
If you ever feel like a total failure, know that you’re not alone. Remember: 70% of us have felt this way at one point or another.
But we can reframe situations and labels. We might fail, but we’re not failures. We might make do poorly on a chemistry exam, but not be bad chemists.
And if that doesn’t help, remember that it can also always be worse. You could find yourself being shepherded out of a job fair with oyster juice and blood flowing onto your three piece suit…
